Top 5 things heard on the 1 train

5. A huffing glue addict sings an on-key version of 'If I were a rich man' from Fiddler on the roof after a 2 minute speech that had less than 25 words in it.

4. A one-man band of three trombones and a drum asks me to 'make some room for the band'.

3. Two old Jewish women discussing the horrible lunch they just ate, equally mentioning the small size of the portions, blissfully unaware of the opening lines of Annie Hall.

2. A Michael Jackson impersonator, that neither looked, sounded or danced like the King of Pop.

1. A human 'Statue of Liberty' belching (almost sounded like the 'William Tell Overture')

Indepence Day: Ode to feral pigs

I sing of those that rode the ark

and wonder why they traveled?

Did not the pig of ham suffice for man?
I suppose not, these non-cud chewers

Have lived life abundant, though hunted.

HAIL THE BOAR! HAIL THE RAZORBACK!

Ye Arkansas clan unite as one!

Your mighty mascot dwelleth

In swamps and shit and scum untold

Not unlike your fellow kinsmen.

Feral pride is beyond measure to all

Whose bathroom hole is dug without septic

And relief for urges cry "cuzzin"

HAIL THE BOAR! HAIL THE RAZORBACK!

An answer to those who think writing a regular blog requires filler material

No way.

Ranking Nothing in Particular

What a difference cell topography makes!

Top 5, June 1, 2009:

1. The spleen beat of the Kaline tympani
2. Poetic references to Turkish sausage production
3. Pillsbury roadkill at a Ghanaian wake
4. Data that do what they should (yes, I said do!)
5. My name is Mephistopheles but you can call me “Sugar Tits”

Top 5 prior to Jennifer Biel’s last BM:

1. Stegosaurus dreams and the resulting mixed fruit pies
2. Black market vinyl atop motorcade tribute bands
3. Crotch grabbing rubberneckers in the heat of fluoridation
4. Pamplona “Eat me’s” during playoff years
5. Whatever it is that keeps sliding into Rafa Nadal’s butt crack before he serves

Why Guys with Phony Accents Don't Like May

"Eet's Seenester! Eet's Seee-nester!"

A Floridian visits Disney

All right readers; let’s get this over with so we can move on to something more important. Navel lint, for example.

Here’s all you need to know about the 4 parks.

Magic Kingdom: Creepy oversized characters and a roller coaster that would be tolerable were not all the suspense removed by placing it under a darkened dome. Oh—that other ride where they strap you in so an alien can spit on you? Pass.

Hollywood Studios: Another unlit roller coaster (what’s the deal?), only this time riders get to hear Aerosmith filler songs at a volume level of distortion as they twist along undaunting loops. All told, this park is about as Hollywood as a NASCAR double-wide.

Animal Kingdom: Sort of like a zoo, but without any real proximity to animals.

Epcot: The front is dominated by a giant Titleist that houses the slowest park ride in captivity. The back has an international flavor, provided you believe that Denmark borders China.

Tune in next time readers, as I give this column a truly international flavor!

Chicago City Streets/Bad Lyrics

Dearborn/Guilty feet have got no rhythm

Michigan/If they say I never loved you, you know they are a liar

State/I had a dream, I had an awesome dream

Balbo/If a picture paints a thousand words then why can’t I paint you?

Rush/What you say about his company is what you say about society

The Mag Mile/Told my girl I’d have to forget her; rather buy me a new carburetor

Ohio/And then he went and he ate up all of my corn